The next 4 months that await me are home home and more home. Though it doesn't feel much like home other than it was my home for 8 years of my life and my family is all here. My my room is definitely not my room anymore. Trying to reinstate it as my own though. My parents have turned it mostly into a storage room since I've been gone. So guess what, I'm sleeping on the couch downstairs. It's better than the floor so i guess it's not so bad.
So being back from uni isn't that different. More like I've returned to another separate part of my life in which I know how to act and react to situations. Different people means different jokes and conversation. I`m not saying it`s bad but the people I have come to know and love from uni will be missed this summer. The fact that I will no longer have to take 10 steps down the hall to find people playing cribbage to being engaged in "intense" university politics is slightly saddening. But this is life so I shall strive to live on despite the oppression and rejection I might face, not that there's much of that.
I will miss the city of Ottawa during my 4 month stay back home but I know I will return to that city and be welcomed back with open arms, regardless that cities don't actually have arms. On the plus side I actually have open arms to be welcomed into back home. Thanks boyfriend and fam.
I guess being home isn't that bad and I shall enjoy it while I'm here. though severely missing the wonderful coffee shops in Ottawa. If you have a chance check out Sanguiccio. Spectacular coffee and sandwiches.
Ta ta for now, I will get to my board gaming love eventually.
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
A new life, a new day
This blog started as a fad in my high school group. Some still participate in the use of blogs though they have transitioned to tumblr. I think I shall stay here.
The last time I blogged was a bit more than 2 years ago in the middle of my grade 11 year. Since then Many things have changed. For one I'm in university, which one you ask well too bad I'm not telling though I am in Ottawa so take your pick (It's the one that's practically an island inside a city). I also have a fantastic boyfriend, I'm not sure if I had ranted about him in previous posts of my past days but if I did it's the same guy. Long story short, we're finally together. I would try to elaborate but it's actually a really long story.
So university... I started this year not quite sure what to expect. All I knew is that I didn't want to go to a university close to home but still in a city. So realistically Ottawa was my only choice, at least within Ontario. At the time of starting first year my brother was still in the city finishing up his degree so I wasn't totally alone in the world. Thankfully I didn't become an anti-social person and made friends on my floor. Probably the best part of this year. Unfortunately making friends in my program was much harder. I hadn't attended my program's specialized frosh nor the regular frosh. Very big mistake. If anyone ever says that frosh is no big deal, don't listen to them. It is. For me I felt alienated in my classes. I didn't know anyone and it felt like everyone already knew each other, which in many cases they did due to being on the same floor or frosh group. Eventually I made "friends" though I would classify them more as acquaintances.
I will say the first half of first year was tough for me. University puts people through a lot. I think I understand why first year courses tend to be a breeze. 1. because we're all smart enough and 2. coming to university makes you deal with a lot of inner shit. Most people come to university because it's what's next in life. They kind of see where they want to be headed, but many times students are lost. Personally I knew where I wanted to go and what I wanted to be so all my problems were in the social department.
As mentioned previously, I had a tough time making friends. If you know me you would say "What are you talking about? You're the most social outgoing person ever." In most ways this is true. But there is a difference between "friends" that you know and actual friends that is based on mutual caring.
September to February I met people, and not even that many. I know some friends that can say I know 400 people. Me? No. I know most of my floor (around 35, so I guess that's something) and probably closer to 10 in my program.... my program is made of probably closer to 800 students. So getting to know people.... yeah that didn't work out so well. I could try to attribute this to my attachment to my now boyfriend but for me that wasn't the case. I felt lost. Lost in a world with hundreds and thousands of strangers that you pass every day. I didn't know who was really my friend and was paranoid that people thought ill of me. Like I was annoying and unwanted. Struggling with my self-perception of myself was hard. Even into second semester, at times I felt alone.
The hardest time was in November, and I remember crying more times in a week than I usually do in a year. I was a mess. I thought to myself, if I were to die right now would anyone even care. Some people might ask me if I had unloving parents or issues at home, but that's totally not it. I viewed myself as someone that was less than others. Most days I don't care but at times that inner loneliness hits you hard and those are the ties you need a friend but that was the problem. I didn't feel like I had any.
I'm not sure when it hit me, maybe when I finally found a church to call home and help stabilize the world that seemed to spin so quickly, but I realized that if people didn't like me they wouldn't try to make social interactions. It was during a talk with my friend (and I am glad to be able to call her one) that I wasn't the only one going through these issues. each person deals with it differently but it's the same. We strive for a sense of belonging and community. Not though forced relations but through mutual want to be around other people.
I had a sociology exam yesterday, and for the past week I have been at wits end but I've also been able to connect with the people that I am proud to call my friends. I will miss them the next 4 months of summer but I know after summer is over, the friends I have made will still be my friends.
So a tip to all those going to university or college. Don't settle for acquaintances but for solid friendships. You may find friends for life. Also don't fail but it is okay to want to change your mind when it comes to what you want to study. If you don't like it why take it.
So that's a summary of my year, though quite lengthy. I hope to write more frequently. Next time I'll write about my increasing passion for board games.
The last time I blogged was a bit more than 2 years ago in the middle of my grade 11 year. Since then Many things have changed. For one I'm in university, which one you ask well too bad I'm not telling though I am in Ottawa so take your pick (It's the one that's practically an island inside a city). I also have a fantastic boyfriend, I'm not sure if I had ranted about him in previous posts of my past days but if I did it's the same guy. Long story short, we're finally together. I would try to elaborate but it's actually a really long story.
So university... I started this year not quite sure what to expect. All I knew is that I didn't want to go to a university close to home but still in a city. So realistically Ottawa was my only choice, at least within Ontario. At the time of starting first year my brother was still in the city finishing up his degree so I wasn't totally alone in the world. Thankfully I didn't become an anti-social person and made friends on my floor. Probably the best part of this year. Unfortunately making friends in my program was much harder. I hadn't attended my program's specialized frosh nor the regular frosh. Very big mistake. If anyone ever says that frosh is no big deal, don't listen to them. It is. For me I felt alienated in my classes. I didn't know anyone and it felt like everyone already knew each other, which in many cases they did due to being on the same floor or frosh group. Eventually I made "friends" though I would classify them more as acquaintances.
I will say the first half of first year was tough for me. University puts people through a lot. I think I understand why first year courses tend to be a breeze. 1. because we're all smart enough and 2. coming to university makes you deal with a lot of inner shit. Most people come to university because it's what's next in life. They kind of see where they want to be headed, but many times students are lost. Personally I knew where I wanted to go and what I wanted to be so all my problems were in the social department.
As mentioned previously, I had a tough time making friends. If you know me you would say "What are you talking about? You're the most social outgoing person ever." In most ways this is true. But there is a difference between "friends" that you know and actual friends that is based on mutual caring.
September to February I met people, and not even that many. I know some friends that can say I know 400 people. Me? No. I know most of my floor (around 35, so I guess that's something) and probably closer to 10 in my program.... my program is made of probably closer to 800 students. So getting to know people.... yeah that didn't work out so well. I could try to attribute this to my attachment to my now boyfriend but for me that wasn't the case. I felt lost. Lost in a world with hundreds and thousands of strangers that you pass every day. I didn't know who was really my friend and was paranoid that people thought ill of me. Like I was annoying and unwanted. Struggling with my self-perception of myself was hard. Even into second semester, at times I felt alone.
The hardest time was in November, and I remember crying more times in a week than I usually do in a year. I was a mess. I thought to myself, if I were to die right now would anyone even care. Some people might ask me if I had unloving parents or issues at home, but that's totally not it. I viewed myself as someone that was less than others. Most days I don't care but at times that inner loneliness hits you hard and those are the ties you need a friend but that was the problem. I didn't feel like I had any.
I'm not sure when it hit me, maybe when I finally found a church to call home and help stabilize the world that seemed to spin so quickly, but I realized that if people didn't like me they wouldn't try to make social interactions. It was during a talk with my friend (and I am glad to be able to call her one) that I wasn't the only one going through these issues. each person deals with it differently but it's the same. We strive for a sense of belonging and community. Not though forced relations but through mutual want to be around other people.
I had a sociology exam yesterday, and for the past week I have been at wits end but I've also been able to connect with the people that I am proud to call my friends. I will miss them the next 4 months of summer but I know after summer is over, the friends I have made will still be my friends.
So a tip to all those going to university or college. Don't settle for acquaintances but for solid friendships. You may find friends for life. Also don't fail but it is okay to want to change your mind when it comes to what you want to study. If you don't like it why take it.
So that's a summary of my year, though quite lengthy. I hope to write more frequently. Next time I'll write about my increasing passion for board games.
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